Sniff Petrol issue 81

When a letter bomb exploded at the DVLA in Swansea last week it was quickly assumed to be part of a wave of incendiary attacks on motoring-related targets. However, it now seems that the attack has nothing to do with recent campaign against government agencies and was in fact an old bomb from 1994 which was still being processed by the DVLA's registrations department.
"This package was going through our fast track processing network," admitted a DVLA nspokesma to Sniff Petrol today. "So it probably was received at least 13 years ago. In fact, it should have exploded a while ago but unfortunately the sender wanted to transfer a private registration off another bomb and that meant we had to send the bomb back twice because he'd forgotten to fill out the correct form, and then there was no cheque in with the bomb, all of which added delays".
Swansea insiders say that once the correct paperwork was received, the bomb was placed in their high speed processing system which, under new DVLA guidelines, promises to process your request 'before our Lord Jesus Christ walks on earth again (may take longer around Christmas and busy periods)'. "If the letter bomb exploded in the fast track system last week that means it was probably received back here in about 1999," said another DVLA naspokesm. "Let this be a reminder to anyone wanting to commit minor acts of terrorism against incompetent branches of the civil service: Please do get your bombs in early".
Meanwhile, the hunt for the perpetrators of recent transport related letter bomb attacks in London and Berkshire continues. "We believe these attacks were committed by a motorist who has grown sick and tired of this government's ludicrous, knee jerk, super tax based road transport policy," said a police mnaspokes. "And we hope to start interviewing all 25 million suspects shortly".

Britain was braced for more bleeding obvious advice this week as forecasters warned of another incoming front of TRAVEL CHAOS. This new warning comes only days after the whole country awoke to find a six inch covering of TRAVEL CHAOS had covered much of the British Isles overnight with more flurries of TRAVEL CHAOS over the following 24 hours.
However, whilst a further dusting of TRAVEL CHAOS could be a problem in itself, some experts say the real danger for drivers is of being hit by a sudden shower of sodding patronising advice from motoring organisations. "If this weather continues, drivers need to be extra careful to avoid large patches of fucking obvious advice," noted Dr Gneil Pipely, Head of Wasting Everyone's Time Studies at All Saints College, Appleton. "For example, it's all too easy to be in the car listening to the radio when, next thing you know, you're being told to avoid any journey that isn't necessary, and by the time you sense the smugly high minded tone it's too late to take evasive re-tuning action".
But facile warnings apparently aimed at people who just drive around in their cars for no reason whatsoever could be only the tip of a very patronising iceberg, Dr Pipely warns. With the expected return of TRAVEL CHAOS motorists should also be on high alert for other blandly useless information such as 'carry a warm rug in the car', 'take a flask of tea with you on every journey', 'if the road looks icy, don't bang the car into first gear and mash the throttle like a mentalist' and 'always arrange for a St Bernard to run everywhere after your car just in case you drive into a crevace on the M4'. Motorists are also reminded that a good way to keep warm during TRAVEL CHAOS is to smash the car radio repeatedly with a hand jack until Sally fucking Traffic on Radio 2 just fucking shuts up.
"Ha ha ha," said some motorists in Sweden and Canada whilst driving perfectly well through a massive snow storm. "What is wrong with you people?" they added, grittily.

There was surprise in Germany this week as car making giant Volkswagen announced its latest attempt to improve profitability - by building second-hand Golfs. "This really is a very clever plan," claimed one VW insider. "You see our new car sales are not what we would hope and the Golf V has frankly been a disappointment. But whenever anyone is looking for a nice, affordable runabout the experts always tell them to buy a second-hand Golf. I myself was asked to recommend a safe, dependable car for my sister and I had no hesitation in telling her to get a second-hand Golf. Why should used car dealers get all the benefit from the fact that Golfs are about the only used car anyone ever recommends?"
Wolfsburg sources say the radical second-hand Golf programme will start with the second-hand Golf mkIV but there are already plans for an entry-level second-hand Golf based on the Golf mkIII. "These will be authentic second-hand Golfs for the massive second-hand Golf market," said another senior VW source. "We hope to build up stocks of a range of colours and specs but if someone is after a very specific specification, such as a black car with relatively low miles for the year and a dent in the passenger door, we will be able to built that second-hand Golf to order".
As buyers might expect from VW, the new second-hand Golf will feature exceptional attention to detail with a range of authentic second-hand features including faded but still slightly visible stains on upholstery, light curbing to one or more alloy wheels, car wash scratches on bonnets and a funny smell in the interior which will be masked by an air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror and later traced to a rotting peach under the passenger seat.
However, whilst VW's second-hand Golf plan may seem unusual, this is not the first time the car industry has pulled off such a trick. Daewoo have been making cars that feel about a decade out of date for years.