Released after sailing into Iranian waters, every month
PORSCHE'S PROF PEACH PIECES TOGETHER PERFECT PLAN
Professor Ferdinand Peach, yesterday
Porsche's recent announcement that it now owns a controlling stake in Volkswagen is about more than the German car industry protecting itself from foreign takeover. The move also represents the latest phase of a larger plan hatched by former VW boss and Porsche family member Professor Ferdinand Peach, who has remained on the Volkswagen's supervisory board since retiring as CEO in 2002 whilst devoting his free time to writing a book outlining his plans for a strong German car industry, entitled Mein Kampfervan. Securing just over 30 percent of VW shares, and with them power over the whole company, is the latest part of that plan which Professor Peach reportedly believes will ensure the German car industry will last for up to "1000 years".
Professor Peach has long strived for a prosperous automotive industry in Germany and believes that the key to success is not through the cost cutting and plant closures favoured by some rivals but via the creation of more factory space or 'lebensraum'.
Following the successful seizure of control, or 'putsch', at VW industry experts are eagerly awaiting Professor Peach's first public display of his new strength. As yet, there is only speculation about what this might be but staff at the former FSO factory in Poland are said to be on a state of high alert.
In the meantime, Professor Peach's passionate interest in dominance of the German car industry continues to intrigue since he himself is actually Austrian. There are also rumours that he only has one ball, the other - according to some VW insiders - is in the Albert Hall.
MG MUDDLE MAKES MUGS OF MCHINESE
A picture that isn't as irrelevant as you might think, yesterday
There were red faces in China this week as MG's new owners Kerching admitted that their car making scheme was not going entirely to plan. After making a great fanfare as it purportedly restarted TF roadster production in its home city, the Chinese company has now revealed that it is having a few problems with the designs and equipment it bought when MG Rover collapsed. "We had not fully understood what happens when you purchase something in a traditional British car boot sale," admitted a Kerching spoesmkan. "Everything seems to be in order, but when you get it home you realise the instruction manual is missing and you have to guess where all the parts go. Some of these bits seem to be for a completely different sort of assembly robot and at least one of the welding machines is useless because the old batteries have leaked brown stuff all over the terminals".
Whilst this confession is undoubtedly embarrassing for Kerching, it does at least explain why examples of their new MG7 saloon at the grand launch earlier this month appeared to be a strange mish-mash of parts from different generations of the Rover 75 and MG ZT. "We just had this box of bits and there weren't any diagrams," admitted a skpoesman. "We unwrapped a load of sporty wheels and a grille but then the next bit was a wooden steering wheel that didn't match at all. Plus, it looked cack. It's very confusing".
Whilst Kerching's engineers continue to search the internet in the hope that someone has posted an online copy of how to re-assemble a Longbridge production line, some observers are puzzled as to how the company could make it appear that brand new TFs were successfully rolling out of their factory. "The truth is we found three ready made cars in one of the boxes that came over from Longbridge," their kspoemsan revealed. "Every time they appear at the end of the production line we just drive them round the back again and a few minutes later, oh look, three more new cars. We got the idea from an old episode of great British TV show Bagpuss with the mice and the chocolate biscuits. Ha ha ha ha!"
Rumours are now growing that Kerching may be forced to ask for their money back, if only they can find someone who did very nicely out of MG Rover. Unfortunately, he's safely out of the way at his massive house in Miami again.
DAIMLERCHRYSLER DESPARATELY DITCHES DIRE DIVISION
Dr Zetsche trying to get rid of some more problems, yesterday
An American Mercedes buyer got more than he bargained for this week when he opened the boot of his brand new E-class to find someone had left Chrysler in it! Cock Hamburglar of Arizona had just collected his shiny new car from Grunting Mercedes in Scottsdale and was on his way home when he heard a strange noise coming from the back of the car. "It sounded metallic, kinda like car production in under-capacity factories," Mr Hamburglar said later. "But it was overlaid with this whining sound, sorta like the noise you get when your pensions burden exceed your profit projections. So I stopped to take a look in the trunk and I simply could not believe my eyes. It was the entire Chrysler Corporation! Well, I turned right around and headed straight back to the Benz showroom so they could remove it before it started getting inadequate model development and low quality standards all over my trunk carpet".
Mr Hamburglar's misfortune might initially seem to be nothing more than a simple accident. In fact, there is growing evidence that it may be the latest in Mercedes-Benz's increasingly elaborate attempts to get rid of its American division. Two weeks before the ailing car maker turned up in a retiree's boot police in Michigan reported apprehending two men with "strong German accents" trying to throw several sizeable objects into the Detroit River. "Our officers noticed the men attempting to hoist a sack over bridge railings at approximately 1:30am," said a police sspokmean. "The sack appeared to contain two under-utilised automobile production facilities under heavy union control. In the open trunk of a nearby vehicle officers observed several other sacks, at least one possibly containing full size clay models of unattractive cars crudely saddled with generic styling cues of a retro nature, and 20,000 unsold Jeep Commanders. Upon being approached, the two men fled in their vehicle, openly sobbing".
Meanwhile, only this week staff at John F Kennedy airport prized open a suspicious left luggage locker to find it had been stuffed with financially crippling healthcare commitments and 30,000 unsold Jeep Commanders. Furthermore, at this week's New York motor show DaimlerChrysler boss Dr Dieter Zetsche was seen acting suspiciously around other car maker's stands before clearly abandoning a large briefcase near to the BMW display. When the case was returned to him, Dr Zetsche initially tried to deny all knowledge that it was his, a plee he swiftly retracted when the briefcase was opened and found to contain woeful inefficiency and a failure to anticipate trends towards smaller vehicles in the US and global non-premium markets.
"All of this means nothing," said a DaimlerChrysler pskoesman later. "We are talking to a number of parties interesting in Chrysler and there is no suggestion that we literally can't give it away".
LEWIS HAMILTON IS GREAT
Lewis Hamilton as depicted by the press at the moment, yesterday
Lewis Hamilton may be just 22 years old but the Hertfordshire born McLaren driver has already shown a skill and maturity way above his years. His first race in the premier league of motorsport was an object lesson in maturity and determination, even showing team mate Fernando Alonso a thing or two along the way. Hamilton's drive in Australia was in many ways reminiscent of the debut of the young Spaniard himself in its cool assurance. In other ways, the 18 year old Hertfordshire driver showed flashes of a youthful Michael Schumacher in his steely race craft and ferocious pace, belying his young years and humble background. But as I watched the talented 13 year old with baited breath - imagining that my cautious excitement was echoed all across his home county of Hertfordshire - I was also reminded of a boyish talent that had once wowed the F1 circus; I'm talking of course about the great Ayrton Senna. In many ways Hamilton is at least the equal of the late Brazilian maestro, although I think it's also not an exaggeration to say that in his maiden performance down under the bright 11 year old Hertfordshire star from the humble background also showed flashes of genius that immediately reminded old hands around the paddock of none other than the immortal Juan Manuel Fangio. Yet, even the old master himself might struggle to match the quiet confidence, the calm brilliance, the deceptive but ever present speed of the masterful 2 year old from the humble Hertfordshire background who, on that hot day in Melbourne, wowed the crowds and seasoned Formula 1 critics alike with a performance that was quite simply like nothing we have seen since another young hopeful first came onto a scene not dissimilar to that of international motorsport many, many years ago, going by the name of Jesus Christ. Yes, Lewis Hamilton has undoubtedly assured a ready place in the F1 firmament of stars, he is the future of this sport and the future of Britain and I love him and I want to hold him and kiss him and take care of him and feel his lovely short hair and his lovely strong arms and I want to touch him and caress him and one day I want to have his beautiful babies. At least until he makes a mistake later in the season, then I might change my mind.
� All British motorsport coverage since the first Grand Prix
Och aye the noo muthafuckers! Crazy Dave back in full effect with tha flip side vibe of Red Bull. Taste like tha inside of an ambulance. Yea! So Crazy Dave, he slide on Down Under, an' I ain't talking 'bout no shit I got goin' on wit' tha ladies. Know wha' sayin'? No, Crazy Dave he in Australia, mixin' it up phat style for tha start of F1 '07. Word. So dey say Red Bull give yo wings and that sho' is the case 'cos Crazy Dave, he get maximum air on tha side of ma man Wurz. Yea, that mo'fo' feel da full force of a Crazy Dave smackdown. No diggety. So he chattin' like it a "racin' incedent", but he jus' tryin' to be cool 'cuz Crazy Dave make he shit his pants. Unlike my new Crazy Dave T-shirts which are delivered in sealed packaging to avoid any risk of staining, see below for details.
� 2007. Sniff Petrol every month or so. Next issue 11 May
Written by Sniff Petrol