Festive fears for Rea

Chris Rea as he might have looked 14 years ago (if he’d owned a Citroen BX GTi 16 valve)

Concern is growing for gruff-voiced, car-liking singer Chris Rea following news that he once again spent most of November and December “driving home for Christmas”. The rough throated Ferrari fan’s musical announcement led several members of the public to contact police who have launched an immediate investigation.

“We’re obviously very worried about Mr Rea,” said Constable John Constable of the Metropolitan Police, “We understand that he has now been ‘driving home for Christmas’ for about 14 years. We can only assume that he took a catastrophic wrong turning somewhere around 1988.”

Using a special ‘map’, Sniff Petrol plotted the sounds-like-he-smokes-too-much singer’s possible course from his pop star mansion with ample garaging, somewhere in London, to his home town of Middlesbrough. Our conclusion is that it would be impossible for Chris to drive around Britain for over a decade becoming increasingly lost with every turn because factory fitted sat-nav systems weren’t invented until after he had set off on his epic drive. The only answer is that the growly guitar geezer has driven into the sea.

The police remain more optimistic; “We think Mr Rea may be out there, but rather confused,” said Constable Constable, “During his endless quest to get ‘home for Christmas’ several events have taken place. He may, for example, be baffled by the sudden appearance of the M40. And if he is still driving the same non-fuel injected car, he may have trouble understanding what ‘LRP’ is. We just hope we can find Mr Rea before next October. Then we won’t have to hear that fucking record again.”