doomed.jpgThere was bad news for the motor industry this week as a leading car-based maths expert revealed that cars sales will have fallen by a record 107 percent before the end of the year.

The staggering new discovery comes from Professor Ken Freeply of Nigel Havers College, Kettering, who has been based his findings on some hysterical headlines he read in a newspaper. “This fall is terrible news for all car companies,” Prof. Freeply noted. “Especially since my calculations essentially mean not only are no cars being sold but that members of the public are actually making cars themselves and then flogging them to the manufacturers”.

Professor Freeply’s possibly utter cock calculations carry especially dire omens for high end manufacturers such as Aston Martin. “If I was Aston I would be very worried,” the almost certainly mental brainiac observed. “My figures show that their sales have decreased by a whopping 214 percent. Basically this means that if they leave three unsold DB9s outside the factory one evening, they will come back in the morning to find almost six and a half DB9s that no one wants. Furthermore, with Bentley sales down 191 percent this means that for every two Continental GTs struggling to find owners, there is another 1.8 cars that are also struggling to find owners. Or something.”

Prof. Freeply later denied that his maths was “shit”.

In other news, the worsening financial climate is having a terrible effect on estate agents. Good.