There was more disappointment for former MG Rover workers this week with news that the long-awaited report into the company’s collapse has been eaten by former chief executive Kevin Howe.
Mr Howe, known affectionately at Longbridge as ‘Oh fucking hell, here comes that fat ballbag’, is said to have consumed the entire 400 page document after insisting that he be allowed to see it prior to publication in case it correctly pointed out that he was a bulbous oaf who made a right old cock of running the entire company.
“This is rather embarrassing for us,” said a spokesman for Longlunch & Receiptplease, the government appointed company responsible for investigating the British car maker’s collapse. “We seem to have spent four years and £16 million compiling this report and then we only made one copy of it. Our photocopier was playing up again you see. Anyway, I suppose the best we can hope is that the tubby David Brent-alike poos out some of the salient points. We’ve got a man in a chemical warfare suit hiding in the sewer beneath his house as we speak, poised to deploy a big net if he sees a scrap of turdy paper float past detailing, for example, how some idiot tried to spunk a load of cash on a DTM racing project whilst the medium hatchback still wasn’t finished”.
However, Howe’s consumption of a very thick document comes as no surprise to those who worked with him at MG Rover. “Kevin was always scoffing whatever he could lay his hands on,” said former Longbridge manager Pleasedon’t Usemyrealname. “They had to stop putting potted plants in his office after a while. And I’m sure at least one of his PAs complained that he kept spreading mint sauce on her hands”. Meanwhile other ex-MG Rover employees claim that Howe used to sit in meetings slowly peeling off Post-It notes and feeding them into his mouth “like slices of ham”, that he used to fresh his breath by “chewing on an Aerial Liquitab”, and that he once spent an entire afternoon sucking all the foam out of fire extinguishers and then ran into the car park “grunting and swigging from a bottle of windscreen washer fluid”. “You never knew what he was going to force into his gob next,” Mr Madeupname admits. “It was just Kevin being Kevin. The fat tit”.
However, other observers were less charitable about the report fiasco. “This whole situation amuses me,” said a spokesman for Kerching, the new owners of Longbridge. “With the £16m spent on this report the British government could have bought 1000 of our reborn MG TF roadsters, bringing the total sold to 1001”.
