The Fiat Group this week took the unprecedented step of mapping out the ways in which it will disappoint everyone from now until 2014. The detailed plan was laid out by Fiat boss Sergio Marchhare and pays particular attention to the mediocrity and underperformance opportunities presented to Fiat through its new-found control of the consistently not-as-good-as-it-should-be Chrysler Group.
‘To survive, all Fiat companies must promise much and then slightly under-deliver,’ Marchhare told journalists in Wednesday’s press conference. ‘It is something that Fiat itself has been good at in the past but we must not rest on our laurels. It is not enough for our future models to look good. That would risk them actually being good underneath when, to maintain our proud heritage, they must actually seem initially good but then become more and more profoundly disappointing the more you drive them’.
Marchhare went on to single out Alfa Romeo as a marque that must build upon its assets and in particular its ability to spend far too long writing cool sounding Italian things on the instruments but then forgetting to do all the chassis settings properly. ‘It is a competitive market out there with lots of great premium cars to choose from,’ Marchhare said. ‘We need to make sure that Alfas attract people with their styling but then, crucially, massively fail them with the half-arsed dynamics and questionable quality. That is what we can offer that our rivals cannot. Disappointment in so many, many ways’.
Marchhare went on to detail the ways in which Fiat Group will use its partnership with Chrysler, in particular relying on the American company’s factories and also on its ability to sometimes make an acceptable looking car that then turns out to be shite.
‘There is a great deal of good will to make all Fiat and Chrysler brands succeed,’ Marchhare said. ‘We must make sure that whatever we do, ultimately we piss away that good will by consistently being not quite good enough’. Mr Marchhare was then taken out of the auditorium because for some reason his head had fallen off.