The Beijing motor show

Article image
The Beijing Show welcoming some visitors, yesterday
The Beijing Show welcoming some visitors, yesterday

The Beijing Motor Show provides the perfect opportunity to have one final bloody good laugh at rubbish Chinese car makers before they get their act together and destroy us all.

This year all of China’s big car companies were getting onto the environmental bandwagon with a raft of ecological concepts such as Bing Pong Motor Concern’s Panty Smile 8888 YES! which boasts an interior made from materials that would normally have gone to waste such as arsenic residue from weapons production and the skin of political dissidents who have recently been tortured to death.

Over on the stand of Hot Cock, a relatively new company from the Bing Crosby province in North Eastern China, the big news was the Fruit Soup 88 X JJ plug-in hybrid. Boasting a distinctive bodyshape that its maker says ‘causes maximum tearing of the eyelid’, the Fruit Soup is – for now at least – only a concept. However, Hot Cock insiders say that just as soon as Toyota launches the Prius plug-in model, they will be able to buy one and then copy all of its technology.

Well established car maker Hu-Long Industrial Poisons, Motor & Performing Bear Organisation displayed its brand new small car, the 8 KH-Z Unacceptable Violence. This slightly upsetting supermini will offer a brand new copy of someone else’s engine boasting a CO2 output of under 100g/km and relatively few emissions of chlorine and phosgene gases unless provoked.

Finally, Bum Hol Auto Factor wowed the show with a supercar concept built to celebrate the execution of the 50,000th political agitator in the company’s home town of Mong Hat. The XXX8 Fucking Hell is a low slung seven seater with styling reminiscent of the end of the world, as envisioned by a rancid monkey child. Bum Hol say they have no current plans to built the XXX8 and anyone who suggests otherwise will be subjected to a protracted and unnecessary torture process.