BMW explains 4×4 strategy


BMW has today announced its new X3 soft roader, along with an explanation of its apparently confusing strategy for this type of car.

‘Our policy for 4×4 vehicles is actually very simple,’ said Munich spokesman Heinz-Salad Kream. ‘Firstly, we have the X1 which you may think of as equivalent to the 1-series car, though of course it is longer than this and closer in size to the 3-series so let us say this is the equivalent to the 3-series but with the option of 4×4’.

‘Then of course we have the new X3. With the launch of this car, you will really start to see the sense of our strategy because it is of course not as big as the 5-series, that would be ridiculous, but is closer in size to a 3-series so let us think of it as like a 3-series but with the option of 4×4’.

‘Finally of course there is the X5. Many perceive this car to be large, perhaps too large, but in fact it is some 42 millimetres shorter than the 5-series sedan. This is a fact that may surprise some people, but it really is vital to remember that the X5 is not even as large as our medium range car and actually offers the footprint and agility of a 3-series, but with the option of 4×4. Oh… how you would say… bollocks’.

BMW marketing manager Heinz-Tomato Zoup was quick to quash any confusion that may have arisen from Mr Kream’s explanation. ‘Yes, it may seem as if our entire activity vehicle range is strangely similar. But really the only similarity is that they are all bought by… how would you say… bellends’.