Kia announces radical new warranty plan

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Following Vauxhall’s announcement of a new ‘lifetime warranty’, Sniff Petrol can exclusively reveal that Kia is poised to hit back with a radical pledge of its own.

Under the new Kia Infinite Warranty Plan, anyone buying one of the company’s cars will be covered for absolutely any unforeseen problem from now until the end of time.

‘This is the most complete warranty car buyers have ever been offered,’ said a company spokesman. ‘If the clutch fails on your car, we will cover it. If the radio goes wrong, we will replace it. If you deliberately drive into a river, we will get you out again. If the roof on your house starts leaking, we will fix it. If your dog goes lame, we will buy it some new legs. If your wife leaves you, we will get you a new one.’

‘There really is nothing the Infinite Warranty won’t cover,’ he continued. ‘From today, anyone who buys one of our cars will have the reassurance of knowing they are completely covered against everything from a worn wheel bearing and covering up the bloodbath following a botched cocaine deal to a faulty electric window motor and creating a diversion after you accidentally call Dame Judi Dench a “slag” at a party. There really is nothing this warranty won’t cover. Except feet.’

Meanwhile, Lotus has announced that it is not to be outdone in the uprated warranty stakes and has recently invested in some new Sellotape.