Germany admits V8 crisis

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A new V8 engine, yesterday

The German government has declared a national state of emergency following news that the country’s car companies ‘cannot stop’ designing and building new V8 engines.

‘We have been monitoring the levels of new V8s being engineered by our car makers for some time,’ admitted German Minister for Engines, Dr Heinz Zalad-Kream. ‘Within the last two years these have reached the levels of approximately one new V8 engine from Audi, BMW or Mercedes every single week and clearly this level is unsustainable as well as quite confusing and pointless. It is, how you say, a sodding nightmare.’

BMW’s Director of Engineering, Dr Heinz Tomaato-Ketcherp was quick to admit that his company must take some of the blame for the glut of newly designed German V8s. ‘We did not wish for this to happen. In fact, I repeatedly asked our engineering teams to work on new hybrid and electric powertrain technologies. I would leave them for no more than 30 minutes and when I would return I would discover that instead they had engineered another new V8 gasoline engine and put it into production. It is, how you say, a frigging nightmare.’

Senior managers at arch-rival Mercedes have been equally quick to take blame for the insane level of new V8s. ‘We have repeatedly tried to stop our engineers designing, testing and then putting into production new V8 engines,’ said the Stuttgart company’s head of R&D, Dr Heinz Oxtayle-Zoup. ‘Unfortunately, while we were doing this, we discovered that AMG had been making new V8 designs behind our back. We went to stop this and were only gone for maybe 40 to 50 minutes, but when we returned our own engineers had come up with three new V8s and put them into production. Now we have so many new V8s we will have to think up some whole new ranges of cars to put them in. It is, how you say, a fartbastarding nightmare.’

The German government’s decision to act on the country’s V8 problem is thought to have been spurred by the death of Audi’s head of powertrain systems, Dr Heinz Baykked-Beanz, who was crushed to death by a pile of new and unnecessary V8s. ‘This was a very sad loss,’ said an Ingolstadt spokesman. ‘A funeral service was held yesterday during which engineering textbooks were read aloud and a new V8 engine was designed. Oh… shit…’