Mini prepares patronisation

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Something else not really British, yesterday

Fresh from unveiling a trio of scooter concepts, Mini has today revealed several new ways in which it plans to patronise British people.

‘Cor blimey, love a duck, up the apples and carrots my old cock china. We love old England, yes we do, gertcha… erm, etcetera’ said Mini chief designer Mjaestro van Denplas, who is Dutch. ‘That’s why we’re currently berserking our stingers to the, erm, mobile phone to get some new… errr… something that rhymes with concepts, erm, ready to celebrate how flippin’ fish ‘n’ chips British we is. Arrrrrr me hearties.’

Sources in the Mini design studio, just 750 miles outside Saffron Walden, say the new projects will include a Mini cup of tea, a Mini tweed suit, a Mini system of unnecessarily apologising when someone steps on your foot, and some other yet-to-be-decided ways of being so unbelievably fucking condescending that it makes British people’s teeth curl.

‘This is all quite strange,’ said former Rover boss John ‘Austin’ Towers. ‘When BMW owned Rover our Coventry studio tried to design them a truly German concept car with white sausages for door handles, a massive moustache for a grille, hair sprouting from under the door mirrors, a rear bumper that looked like a mullet and a big helmet with a spike on top instead of a roof but for some reason they didn’t like it. I can’t think why.’