That new Lotus range in full

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The new Lotus Exwife, yesterday

Lotus shocked the world at the recent Paris Motoring Show by announcing five brand new models, all of which will be on sale by 2016. The news that some of these cars will use Toyota hybrid technology was a surprise, especially for Toyota themselves, but many observers were also confused by the hierarchy of the range. In an attempt to clear up this confusion, Sniff Petrol is delighted to outline the future Lotus range in full:

The Eczema is the ‘entry level’ Lotus of the future. This model is designed to sit above today’s four-cylinder Elise but below the existing V6-powered Evora and, to that end, will run an L-shaped five-cylinder engine. This car will compete directly with the bottom of the top of the Audi TT range, though it will be larger and lighter and smaller and more or less powerful.

The Excretia is Lotus’s bedrock coupe and will come only in green or brown, although company sources say some people may end up with a red one and should see a doctor immediately. This car is designed to compete directly with the upper reaches of the lower middle of the basic Porsche 911, though the Lotus will have a different sort of power, price and shape and will not compete with the 911 unless forced to.

The Elaine Paige will be the Lotus for people who need a two seater with room for four and will feature a folding metal engine. This model will boast the power and performance of a sustained wolf attack whilst its interior quality will be at least a match for the feeling of confusion experienced when taking the first sip from what appears to be a cup of tea but turns out to be coffee. This car will compete with Radio 2 on Sundays and with itself for the rest of the week.

The Egregious will be the top-of-the-range sports car for Lotus. It will boast a V8 engine, and also about the time it had trials for West Ham. This model will be distinguished by dramatic styling and extinguished by a system of pipes. In terms of other cars, think of the Ferrari 458 or Lamborghini Gallardo or Ford Fiesta or Perodua Kelisa. These are all other cars.

The Exdirectory is Lotus’s five door saloon model, the fifth door being located on the underside. It will be powered, although at this stage no one is quite sure why. This car is most easily compared to a less pricey Porsche Panamera or a more expensive Aston Martin Rapide, although only in terms of texture, hairstyle and proximity to yeasts.