‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be filing a report. On Sunday 14 November I done proceed to Abu Dhabi, what done be in the middle of the East. Here I done observe a grey Mercedes vehicle driven by an elderly IC1 male what I done observe to be one Michael Schumacher. This vehicle done lose control and done find itself facing into oncoming traffic what done, in fairness, then cause it to be hit by a brightly coloured Mercedes-powered vehicle driven by an IC2 male what done be one Vitantonio Liuzzi. This could, to be honest, have done been a lot worse of an accident than it done be and should serve as a reminder to all motorists that perhaps they done be better off just enjoying their retirement.
Approximately one hours later I done observe an IC2 male what done be identified as one Fernando Alonso driving a red Ferrari vehicle extremely close to the rear of a yellow Renault vehicle what done be driven by one Vitaly Petrov. I done make note of this incident as I regarded it as most unusual that Mr Petrov done not be involved in an accident and done actually drive very well. A short period of time afterwards I done observe that both vehicles done slow down and Mr Alonso done draw alongside Mr Petrov’s vehicle and done make a gesture what done be both rude and unreasonable. Let this be a lesson to all motorists not to done be a petulant little twat who done be bad at losing.
D.I. Blundell done now be at the end of his shift. Over and out.