Mercedes debuts new innovations

Article image
Mercedes Creasematic, yesterday

Mercedes will use today’s Los Angeles Auto Show to reveal an innovative system for adding an even greater number of pointless lines and features to the new CLS, called Creasetronic.

‘Many of our customers liked the new CLS but they told us that the bodywork was not enough of a confusing mass of contrived styling lines,’ said a Mercedes spokesman. ‘Creasetronic addresses that by putting as many lines as the customer desires into the bodysides until the basic and attractive shape of the car is even more ruined by what appears to have been a retard scribbling on the design sketches.’

Creasetronic is not the only Benz innovation to be announced at LA, however. ‘We are aware that many people think fondly of the simple, solid Mercedes cars of the 1970s and ‘80s,’ their spokesman continued. ‘However, our research shows that many younger people actually think fondly of the complicated, shoddy Mercedes cars of the 1990s. That is why we are proud to announce the new ‘Shitmatic’ option for the E- and CLS-class vehicles. By carefully benchmarking older cars we have programmed Shitmatic to introduce random electrical faults such as sticking windows, failed central locking and intermittent starting. It will be just like owning a W210 E-class in the ‘90s, especially when a couple of years have passed and you notice that it’s already rusting!’