There was excitement this week amongst fans of respected car makers slowly disappearing up their own arses with news that Lotus has got at least three more shitty ideas it hasn’t even told us about yet.
‘Sure, we have inexplicably announced an entire model range at once even though none of it is ready,’ said a Lotus spokesman. ‘Sure, we have also arranged for a strange and irrelevant roster of terrible celebrities to unveil these cars. And yes, we have now revealed plans to make our own V8 engines. But these alone are not enough. For Lotus to be truly world class, we must come up at least three more shitty, shitty ideas. And the good news is, we have.’
The exact nature of the Norfolk sports car maker’s next raft of shitty ideas is yet to be revealed but some car industry experts say it may take inspiration from the former world leaders in cocking awful ideas, MG Rover. ‘I wouldn’t be surprised if Lotus decides to spunk a load of cash on completely re-engineering one of its models with a brand new drivetrain and a different engine even though it’s quite clear that the market for such a thing is tiny,’ said automotive analyst Helmo Crespp. ‘Or perhaps they will import a car from another country, crudely slap some new bumpers on it and then attempt to pass it off as their own with no success whatsoever. It just remains to be seen if Lotus can keep coming up with ideas that are even shittier than that.’
Hethel sources say it may be some months before Lotus is confident that its next three shitty ideas are truly shitty enough to be made public but that in the meantime their new F1 team will be more than capable of generating terrible embarrassment and negative headlines all of its own. ‘This really is an exciting time for Lotus cars and Lotus motorsport,’ said a spokesman. ‘We just can’t stop having shitty ideas until it’s too late.’
