There was bad news for fans of vile, hate-spreading wastes of ink and paper this week with confirmation that the Daily Mail has exploded.
Authorities say the Mail’s problems started on Monday when it attempted to file a pointless and inflammatory story about the recent Top Gear Christmas special. ‘Under normal circumstances this would have simply been the usual ream of inane anti-BBC drivel,’ said Dr Randolf Clesp, Head of Hilarious Hypocrisy studies at St Desmond’s College, Oxford. ‘Unfortunately, on this occasion the story concerned the Top Gear presenters offending Muslims by wearing burkas and of course in the ghastly, simplistic world of the Daily Mail, Muslims don’t deserve such sympathy because they are all extremists and terrorists and not truly British. This was the moment the Mail has always feared the most – nasty, ill-informed opinion checkmate.’
Sources say the situation caused immediate panic amongst Daily Mail staff, many of whom involuntarily began barking words such as IMMIGRANTS, CANCER and HOUSE PRICES in an attempt to restore some kind of loathsome, reactionary normality. Sadly, it was too late and even the deployment of the Mail’s emergency special photograph of Princess Diana looking lovely wasn’t enough to prevent the entire organisation from disappearing up its own arsehole. Unfortunately, this very action automatically caused the Mail to write a spiteful piece of thinly veiled homophobia about itself, at which point it simply exploded.
‘Oh no,’ said one wittering lower middle class idiot. ‘Where on earth am I going to get all my cretinously narrow minded opinions from now?’
