OH NO, IT’S VILLENEUVE
There was dismay in F1 this month with news that Jacques fucking Villeneuve has replaced Jarno Trulli at Renault and will have a drive at Sauber for the 2005 season. After losing his seat at BAR last year many motor sport fans had hoped that the stupid-voiced undeserving former World Champion would turn his back on Formula 1 forever. “You cannot deny that Jacques fucking Villeneuve is capable of putting on a good show,” noted Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. “And yet it’s equally hard to deny that he’s a complete bell-end who gets on everyone’s nerves”. Sources say that, although everyone in F1 agrees that Jacques fucking Villeneuve is so annoying that you just want to attack him with a hammer, there is some debate about which is the most annoying part of this festival of quite unbelievable annoyance. “I think it’s his ratty little face,” said one high ranking member of a leading F1 team. “Especially when he grows that bloody stupid tufty little beard”. However, not everyone in the paddock is quite so sure. “I’d have to vote for his ridiculous accent as the most annoying part of Jacques fucking Villeneuve,” added another senior engineer from a rival team. “Although there’s always those sodding ridiculous baggy overalls, they’re quite annoying too. Oh wait, what about his questionable talent and reliance on his legendary surname? That’s annoying too. And I haven’t even considered his stupid swaggering arrogance, the cocky little shit. God, there’s so much to choose from…”
Whilst the F1 community struggles to decide which is Jacques fucking Villeneuve’s most annoying quality, seasoned observers have already highlighted a more serious concern. “I think we have a very real and dangerous situation on our hands,” warned one experienced motorsport journalist. “On his own Jacques fucking Villeneuve is more annoying than it’s humanly possible to quantify. But we should not forget the exceptionally high risk of accidentally creating an unprecedented ‘super annoyance’ which will slay TV audiences and destroy the entire sport forever. To prevent this there is only one solution: Jacques fucking Villeneuve must be kept at least 100 yards away from James twatting Allen”.
