Crazy Dave

Crazy Dave’s F1 2012 preview

Article image

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha fo’ tha new Formula 1 season, live on tha BBC. But only sometimes. Yea, we ain’t gonna bring it fo’ all tha races cuz budgets, they be like my white jeans – tight. Fo’ shizzidy. So befo’ we get started in Australiaiaiaia, here be Crazy D’s guide to tha shit that be goin’ on an’ shit. Yea.

Red Bull
These be tha cats to beat in tha big oh twelve season. They got ma bro Sebby V, and man that boy be good. Too good fo’ he’s team mate, my homie M Web. But that don’ matter cuz that cat only wanna be on tha podium so he get tha free orange juice. Yea. Course, these brothers ain’t nuthin’ without a sweet set of wheels, which is why they be hangin’ wit’ ma favourite muthaflickin’ Poindexter, Neweytron 5000. That damn geek, he come up wit’ a new car that be runnin’ tha stippy step nose an’ shit. Man, that be ugly. It also got some slot in tha nose that Nerdytron say be fo’ driver coolin’. That be bullshit. It look like it fo’ making muthashuppin’ toast. It look like shit but it gonna be quick. Fo’ champizzles.

Hot damn, tha Mac be back and they be ‘bout tha only team that ain’t running with tha stippy step on that front. They be rollin’ the sweetest sweet ass ride on tha grid. Sweet. And they got two of tha fastest cats in tha ‘hood too. Ma homie Jenny B run it smooth and low las’ season, and it be good to see he concentratin’ more on drivin’ than on shavin’. It worked for Crazy D too. Kinda. J Bu’s wingman is ma buddy Tha Ham. Now he be one fast cat, but that muthafunker, he gotta get he’s head togetha. Snatch befo’ set-up ain’t cool bro. Fo’ scherzizzle.

These homies have had a whole off-season to think of excuses fo’ why they ain’t doin’ good, and in they spare time they also designed a car. From muthafunkin’ Lego! Let’s be hopin’ these brothers spend mo’ time racin’ and less time complainin’ this season cuz they got tha tools to get tha job done. They got ma main man Nando, an’ he’s job is to win races. Plus, they got ma boy Filly M, an’ he’s job is to crash into Tha Ham an’ make sure another driver don’ get tha second seat at Ferrari. Fo’ inadequatizzle.

Mercedes got a lotta things goin’ fo’ them, but mos’ of all they got tha guvnor, Rossy B. Now this be a cat that don’ like a shave. No sir. An’ Crazy D admire that, cuz tha D been there heself. It kinda liberating, and it give Ro Bra the extra time he save not shavin’ to spend mo’ time desiginin’. Boom! If he make a kick ass car, that gonna be good news for ma homie NiRo. Man, that kid’s drivin’ be almost as nice as he’s hair. Also, bein’ lowered gently into tha Mercedes, be ma brother Mickey Schu. Now tha’s a cat that jus’ won’ quit. Seven world muthafartin’ championships and he still tryin’. That be insane in tha brain. He shoulda followed tha Crazy D plan – no world championships, can’t get a seat, retire. Fo’ embarrassizzle.

Man, there be too many Lotuses in tha F1 las’ year. But every ting gonna be alright, cuz now they jus’ be one, and it these cats what used to be Renault or some shit. Yea. They got tha stippy step nose and all tha chops, but tha main thang they got tha’s new is ma solid homie K Raik. Yea, that monosyllabic muthafunker be back! That be good news fo’ tha F1 cuz that homie can drive, and man, he don’ give a shit unless he be takin’ one. Know wha’am sayin’? Along wit’ Tha Raikkomaster, new Only Lotus be havin’ ma buddy RoGro. That be two comebacks in one team. Who they hirin’ next? Muthalumpin’ Elvis? Fo’ comebackspecizzle.

Force India
Crazy D love tha cool cats at Fo’ Cindia. Me especially love ma main man VJ Mal. He be tha dude, and boy he like two things. Cigars, and eatin’. I once saw he put sauce on a chair and then eat it. Fo’ sho. The other thing he like be F1 racin’ and that be fortunate cuz he own a muthaflickin’ team! Well, some of it. This year Crazy D be delighted to report, they be keepin’ ma so solid homie, P Diddy Resta. Och aye tha muthafuckin’ noo bro. They also running ma buddy Tha Hulk and he be good too. He jus’ need to be a bit mo’ Scotch. Fo’ bagpipperizzle.

Kickin’ it old skool, P Saub by makin’ another sweet ass Swiss slaphead solo effort, wit’ tha engines from Fo’ Rari. Tha instruction manual be jus’ a list of excuses why it ain’t workin’ right. Fo’ joking! So fo’ tha big twenty twelve, Tha Saub be stickin’ wit’ ma homie Tha Bash. Man, that little Japanese cat, he love to overtake. And drive into shit. Bam! He sure got spirit. And sometimes, he steer like he been drinkin’ it. ‘Longside K-to-tha-K, they got ma hombre S P’rez. That dude be puttin’ in some solid performances. Fo’ dependabilitizzle.

Toro Rosso
These cats can fly but they ain’t always so hot. This year, they got tha stippy step, they got tha engine from Fezrizzle, but man I hope they ain’t hopin’ to keep they muthaflippin’ no claims bonus cuz they runnin’ wit’ two homies who ain’t got tha experience. An’ in F1, it all about tha experience, on and off tha track. Yea, tha ladeez know wha’am sayin’. Smooooth. So they got ma buddy D Ricci, and that kid jus’ gotta keep on keepin’ on. Then they got ma bro Jean E V, and he be pullin’ some sweet moves in tha F-to-tha-3, but he gotta make that stick now he rollin’ wit’ tha big boys. Fo’ inexperiencizzle.

Man, I love these homies like a brother from another mother, but they gotta get they shee-it together. And things ain’t lookin’ good when they lost F Willy and Tha Head from tha frontline, they disrespec’ ma brother Ru B and now they got Cough Xerox in charge. Oh maaaan. Still, they got ma boy Pasto Maldo. That cat gonna work hard. An’ they be runnin’ wit’ ma homie B Senn. He be cool, but if Crazy D had a dollar fo’ every time he be gonna compared to he uncle, man, Tha D be able to open another chain of hotels. Fo’ predictabizzle.

What be goin’ on here? Did they build tha team from a box o’ parts in they garage? Ha! Crazy D make a funny. These cats was one of tha Lotuses but now they be not. They got ma homie M Gas runnin’ tha show, and he be a bad ass muthafunker, plus they got ma man Hei K on tha car, and he be a solid brother to have on yo side. One thang Tha D don’ understand is why that dude got tha Angry Birds on he helmet. What he gonna do? Fire he’s head at a muthaflunkin’ pig? In tha other car they got ma comrade Vitty P and he bring two things, talent and dollar. But a lot mo’ of one than tha other. Fo’ paydrivizzle.

Things ain’t goin’ so well fo’ these homies in tha off season, but they’s gonna show up anyway. They got ma man ‘Rain Kart in tha hot seat, at least until he find some other brother sittin’ in he’s chair again. Know wha’am sayin’? Then they be hirin’ ma bro P Delly Rosa. Yea, he back. Shows that jus’ cuz a driver be over 40, it don’t mean he can’t be in tha race. So don’ go losin’ Crazy D’s number y’all. Tha PDLR, he gonna be jus’ fine. Fo’ llinarivizzle.

These cats used to be a Virgin and now some Russians make sure they ain’t. Trust me, that’s the kind of shit that can give yo hotel a bad name. So, they be havin’ some bad shit go down befo’ tha season start but they got ma Fozzie Bear voiced muthafunker P Symmy on speed dial and ma homie T Glozzle in tha car. They jus’ gotta watch out fo’ ma amie Chuck P in tha second car. That dude gonna have to learn fast. Fo’ backmarkizzle.