That Lotus statement – the first draft

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Sniff Petrol has obtained a secret first draft of the remarkable press release put out by Lotus to deny current speculation about the state of the company. 


Take a little look at what we found online (see left). Don’t you think it’s funny? We do. We had a good old giggle. After all, we love a bit of self belief. Although it’s funny, this one’s not accurate but then again, why let the facts get in the way of a good story? The inconvenient truth is – surprise, surprise – we have never said that there are no lunatics at Lotus.

So whilst lots of people obviously feel the need to comment on Lotus’ current situation in the absence of proper facts or evidence, we can’t ignore these particular mistruths any longer even if we would like to, so we have decided to turn a negative into a positive and use this hilarious piece of ‘arse’ to set the record straight regarding the status quo at Group Lotus and try to return a little stability to a fast changing situation.

False rumour #1: Dany Bahahaha is no longer taking his tablets.
Fact: Rubbish – Dany Bahahaha still is.

False rumour #2: Dato’ Sri Syed is no longer struggling to release himself from the ropes that tie him to the plastic chair in the cupboard.
Again rubbish. He still is.

You can thank good old Tony Fernandes for these two. He is out to get us. He is. Last night we heard a noise outside and when we went to look there was no one there. We couldn’t see him but we know it was Tony Fernandes. He is like a fat fox. Perhaps he is frustrated because he owns a Formula 1 team instead of doing the smart thing and just giving his name to various racing teams and then realising he hasn’t got the money to pay for all this shit.

And whilst we’re on the subject of jokes – do you know the latest F1 joke? My dog’s got a stepped nose. How does it smell? It doesn’t. It’s a Formula 1 car. Can someone explain this to us please?

Speaking of F1: It seems that one special so called ‘independent’ source is at the root of the lion’s share of damaging rumours and misleading stories. The delightful Joe Saward which leads us nicely to….

False rumour #3: Joe Saward has a helicopter that can fly to the sun.
Fact: Helicopters cannot fly to the sun.

And unlike some, we don’t want to get too personal, but Joe Saward is a gaylord and he looks stupid in any kind of hat.

False rumour #4: Group Lotus is no longer involved in F1.
Fact: Lotus F1 Team and Group Lotus have rearranged their living room so we can both watch F1 in comfort. We just need to get some money off Genii so we can buy a Sky subscription. In return, they can have the factory. We don’t want it any more anyway. The reception area smells weird.

False rumour #5: Group Lotus is going into administration.
Fact: Rubbish. Administration is a type of succulent plant found in dry regions of southern Europe. How could a company with no money left afford one of those? We couldn’t. Oh. Bollocks.

The simple fact is, and we haven’t denied this – Lotus is going through a very difficult phase at the moment but we are totally over you, okay. Do you understand, we don’t miss you at all. It’s over. We’ve moved on. In fact, we’ve got a date next week with someone we met recently. It’s none of your business who. Do not try to call us. Also, we want that Dido CD back.