Vauxhall announces Adam range

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Vauxhall announced today that its forthcoming baby car will be called the Adam, and the company has already outlined the trim levels that will be available on the car at launch.

Starting at a price likely to exceed that of a basic Corsa, the entry-level car will be the Adam ‘Sandler’. Vauxhall says this model will be ‘fun and amusing’ but also ‘quite tedious after a while’. As a result, it will be predominantly aimed at ‘the young, and idiots’.

Above the Sandler will be the Adam ‘Levine’ boasting an offputtingly gristly body which, Vauxhall claims, will ‘encourage onlookers to say, “I don’t care if you move like Jagger, for fuck’s sake put a shirt on”’. Vauxhall insists that, despite appearances, this model will err towards the middle of the road.

For around the same money, buyers will also be offered the Adam ‘Woodyatt’ which promises to maintain exactly the same appearance for over 25 years, though Vauxhall warns that it probably won’t go anywhere in that period either.

Finally, at the top of the range, the Adam ‘Ant’. This model will boast additional exterior trim including frilly wheelarches and an inexplicable white band below the headlamps. ‘Ridicule is nothing to be scared of,’ said a Vauxhall spokesman yesterday.