Following today’s announcement that the next Astra will be built at Ellesmere Port, General Motors has revealed the key determining factor behind the decision – moustaches.
‘It’s a little known fact that car production is at its most efficient when performed by men with moustaches,’ said a GM speakingperson. ‘Moustaches prevent droplets of sweat from building up on the upper lip, reducing by 86 percent the time spent wiping your face rather than continuing to install a dashboard.’
‘For this reason we have traditionally centred car production in Germany due to the continuing social acceptability of the moustache amongst the male population,’ the spokerman continued. ‘Since the end of the 1970s, the UK has fallen way behind in moustache terms and in most regions the moustache is sported only by middle aged gay men and irritating hipsters, neither of whom seem especially interested in assembling cars. However, the managers at our Ellesmere Port plant were able to demonstrate that the Merseyside region is unique within the UK in boasting both a car building skill base and a large percentage of untrendy heterosexuals with moustaches.’
As a result of today’s decision, GM will invest £125m in the Ellesmere Port factory and hire a further 700 men and women with moustaches.
Whilst it’s good news for British car making, the announcement could be bad news for workers at GM’s plant in Bochum, Germany where moustache levels are falling. ‘We believe we can still compete with the Ellesmere Port moustaches,’ said a sprechenherr for the Bochum’s biggest workers’ council. ‘Und also, we still have 14 percent more mullets.’
