Government announces another initiative

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A prison, yesterday

Fresh from deciding that cars built before 1960 will be exempt from the MOT test, the government has revealed details of a radical new scheme to leave criminals who have been in prison for more than 20 years completely unguarded.

‘People who have been locked up for more than two decades tend to be settled into a regular prison routine and don’t think about escaping,’ said Minister for Just Saying Things & Thinking About The Consequences Later, Phil Titt. ‘Statistics show that someone who has been in prison for 20 years will have committed an average of zero crimes during that period which makes them amongst the most law abiding people in the country. With that in mind, we are going to leave these people completely unsupervised and we will prop open the doors of the prisons to save the guards having to go around locking and unlocking them all the time.’

Mr Titt was later asked if removing guards and leaving doors open would not make it easy for dangerous prisoners who had not served 20 years of their terms to escape. ‘Ah… shit.’ he said before leaping into a completely road legal 1958 Humber Super Snipe and speeding off only to plough through a bus queue after discovering that it had no brakes.