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Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum…

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Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, We have a baby on the way and I’m going to need a more practical car. I like the look of the Nissan Qashqai and I notice the Kia Sportage is good value but now I’m reading good things about the new Mazda CX-5. Which to chose? All advice gratefully received! Neil, Warwick

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… First of all, welcome to the site. Secondly, is this how you would normally introduce yourself? You just come in here and start asking questions like you own the place? Get some manners. Here’s a tip; why not go to some car showrooms and look at these cars for yourself? We are not your personal car shopping service and the sooner you realise that, the sooner you will fit in around here. Also, why the hell are you looking at cars like that? Total. Waste. Of. Time. I have a Honda Civic Type-S that does 99 percent of the things that those so called off roaders can do, it’s great to drive and it has literally never gone wrong. If you buy a fake 4×4 you’re an idiot. Okay? 

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, I’ve had my 2005 Golf TDI for two years now and it’s been totally fault free. However, just this week the central locking has started playing up. Sometimes it won’t unlock all the doors but if I lock it again and then unlock it that usually works. Is this a known fault with these cars? Is it worth getting it looked at or should I just live with it? Cheers! Simon, Dundee

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… Let me ask you this – have you ever heard of a little thing called the search facility? It would allow you to look for other people on the site who have had similar problems without wasting everyone’s time with ridiculous threads like this. This is not some free automotive electrical consultancy you know. Also, Golf TDI? Seriously? Why would you even buy something like that unless you were a total idiot who knew nothing about cars? When I bought my Honda Civic Type-S four years ago I looked at literally every car on sale at the time and the HCT-S was literally the best car available of any kind. Why you didn’t buy one of those I cannot understand. My central locking works perfectly. There’s a reason why yours doesn’t. Is it National Idiot Day today or something?

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, I’ve got a beautiful blue Citroen Saxo. I call her Sadie! Does anyone else have a Saxo! I love my Saxo!!! Claire, Guildford

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… Hey Claire! Welcome to the site! Like the sound of your Saxo! Great cars! I see you’re in Guildford. That’s not far from me. You might see me around sometimes in my black Honda Civic Type-S. We should have a forum meet-up some time! Hope you’re still enjoying your Saxo! Do you have any pictures of yourself in your Saxo? Take care. TPFAIF x