New Range Rover boasts two-sided line-up

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Some new Range Rovers, yesterday

Land Rover last night released more information about the new Range Rover including full details of a new two-sided model line-up intended to reflect the car’s increasingly diverse customer base.

On one side of the range, the model choice will start with the Range Rover Toff which will be available only in a sort of muddy green with a moss covered roof. This variant promises an extremely draughty interior featuring slightly shabby, threadbare seats which originally belonged to your great grandparents. Above that is the Toff SE which boasts all of the same features as well as sat-nav that takes you ‘up to London’ no matter what point of the compass you are setting off from. Finally, there is the Toff HSE which comes with a wet Labrador and pair of extremely strident pink casual trousers.

On the opposite side of the new Range Rover line-up, the entry level model is the Katona which features an enormous array of LED lights across the front, chrome finish 22-inch wheels and a mysterious horizontal mirror on the centre console. Above that is the Range Rover Russian Businessman which comes only in black with very shiny wheels and a bulletproof windscreen. This model uses the very latest in on-board computing power to extort money out of local families and features a sat-nav that can take you directly to Vladimir Putin’s house whenever he wishes to speak with you on a private matter that has displeased him.

Finally, at the top of this range is the Beckham which features a front end made entirely of LEDs, crystals and gold and the owner’s name and address stitched into the dashboard so it’s harder to forget them this time. This side of the model line-up will start at £71,295 in new money.

‘That sounds great, I want one. Now!’ shouted model, businesswomen, author and utter awfulness bucket Katie Price. ‘You owe me £10,000,’ she added after showing Sniff Petrol a hemisphere of knocker.