Oh my God, we’re all going to die

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Some certain death, yesterday

After a sudden overnight change in weather conditions, motoring organisations have warned that every motorist in Britain is about to die in a massive, horrible accident.

‘Oh my God, stop your cars! Stop your cars now before everyone is killed!’ said Panny King, wildly flailing spokesman for the RAC. ‘Just coast gently to a halt, get out and walk home before you die!’ he added, sobbing slightly.

Mr King’s thoughts were echoed by Pat Ronising of the AA; ‘The icy claws of certain doom are coming!’ he shrieked. ‘Sell your car! Sell it now before it’s too late!’

The British Institute of Motoringists was even more explicit in its weather-based advice; ‘Do not go near your car unless you want to die!’ yelped spokesman Huw Joverreaction. ‘Even looking at a car in a cold snap could kill you! Go home and hide under a table and don’t think about cars or you WILL DIE! Arrrrrgh! Arrrrrrgh! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!’

Another light flurry of snow is expected in the next 48 hours.