10:00 Arrive at McLaren factory. Turned away as car is ‘too dirty’.
10:20 Drive back to McLaren factory in freshly jet washed car, allowed in and directed to car park marked ‘vehicle depository zone (outsiders)’
10:30 Ushered from car park towards rear of factory and into empty, entirely white room along with other attendees.
10:35 Hosed down
10:42 All attendees now changed into lint-free, pure white all-over suits. Clothes we arrived in have been placed in the bins provided, taken outside and burnt.
10:45 A sophisticated projector descends silently from the ceiling. It projects a hologram of Ron Dennis into the room. The hologram Ron gives a speech in which he appears to refer to attendees as ‘the humans’ and informs us that today we will receive a ‘not insignificant quantity of information’. He warns that our ‘puny brains’ may struggle to process ‘the key excellentness of it’.
10:47 A hologram of Jenson Button appears. He says how delighted he is to remain with McLaren and to not be ‘a traitorous disgrace to the programme’.
10:48 The Button hologram disappears and a Sergio Perez hologram replaces it. Perez says he is ‘very happy’ to be joining McLaren. He speaks very slowly and he looks scared. At the very end he looks around nervously and appears to shout ‘Send help!’ before the projector suddenly shuts off.
10:50 A calm, even voice comes over hidden speakers. We are informed that the new car will be revealed in ‘very exactly ten minutes’.
10:52 Hosed down again.
10:55 A hidden door retracts into the ceiling and we are instructed to walk forwards into an entirely empty silver room. At last, we are about to see the new MP4-28!
10:58 Sensors detect a single particle of dust in the air. Entire launch cancelled.