Audi loses control of model range

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The Audi logo, yesterday

There was embarrassment in Germany this week as Audi was forced to admit it has literally no idea how many models it now makes.

‘Ja, for sure this is, how you would say, a problem,’ confessed marketing boss Marck Ettingböss. ‘Last week we called a meeting to discuss the launch strategy for the new RS4. About halfway through someone pointed out that we had already launched the RS4 and that perhaps we were thinking of the new RS6, but it turns out that already is on sale too. Then someone else mentioned the RS7 and that was really confusing on a number of levels.’

Ettingböss confirmed that the meeting was eventually dissolved when one senior sales manager asked when the new A3 was coming out even though it was actually launched last year, the head of dealer relations admitted he wasn’t certain he knew what the latest A6 looked like, and at least five people in the room were convinced the Q3 was something somebody had ‘just made up as a joke’.

‘We have decided there is only one way to sort this out,’ Ettingböss continued. ‘We are going to cancel all of our cars and start again from scratch with just two very boxy saloons called the 80 and the 100. And this time we will try not to sell them to, how you would say, bellends.’