Vauxhall announces new policy

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Some Cascada, yesterday

Fresh from announcing the new Cascada convertible, Vauxhall has revealed that in future its entire range will be named after mid-ranking mainstream Eurodance acts.

In line with the new policy, the Corsa will be re-named the Culture Beat, the Astra will become the Sash! and the Insignia will henceforth be known as the Vauxhall Dr Alban. The newly launched Adam will be updated as the Adamski.

‘Woop woop!’ shouted a Vauxhall spokesman somewhat unecessarily. ‘We think this new policy will be of great benefit to customers and you’ll see it reflected in our showrooms which will be reconfigured to resemble a touristy nightclub in Amsterdam. You’ll be able to browse all our models such as the Black Box and the Corona, safe in the knowledge that at any moment a man might appear and start playing the flute over the top of everything for no explicable reason.’

Once an unexpectedly massive 1980s Korg M1 piano break had died down, Sniff Petrol asked for the reason behind Vauxhall’s sudden Eurodance conversion. ‘I’m not sure,’ admitted their spokesman. ‘But it couldn’t be any worse than what we do now.’