Motorsport News

Webber ‘won’t leave’ Red Bull

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Mark Webber not leaving, yesterday

Earlier this week the German press carried claims that Mark Webber would definitely leave Red Bull at the end of this season. Today, however, a stronger rumour emerged suggesting that the Australian driver will do the exact opposite and flat refuse to leave the team, even if they want him to.

‘Mark’s not bloody going anywhere,’ said a source close to the F1 star. ‘Whether they bloody like it or not, he’ll be there in 2014, leaving all the lights on in the pit, knocking over piles of tyres, releasing a brown shark into the motorhome shitter and then not flushing. Oh yea, Red Bull are gonna be stuck with him all season.’

Our inside man claims that Webber has already dreamt up several other disruptions such as holding a powerful magnet near Adrian Newey’s brain until key items of data are wiped, leaving a land mine on the pit wall, just under Christian Horner’s jiggly foot and giving interviews in which he describes the Red Bull drink as ‘robot piss’.

F1 pundits have already noted that this scheme will come to nothing if Webber’s seat is given to another driver but our source claims the Aussie racer has already thought of that; ‘If some other bloody idiot gets the drive, Mark will just bring his own car,’ our mole revealed. ‘Truth is, he’s been nicking bits for bloody years. All he needs to do is stick ‘em all together and he’s got an RB6/7/8/9 of his own. It won’t win races but trust me, it’ll be bloody good at ‘accidentally’ crashing into Sebastian Vettel.’