Beleaguered French car maker Peugeot has announced a radical new back-to-basics recovery strategy to get the company back on its feet.
‘We are returning to what Peugeot does best,’ admitted PR man, Pierre Mann. ‘To re-discover what that was, our teams went out into Paris and many, many rural French villages and returned with the answer. So from now on, what this company is going to make is small cars with faded paintwork, a large dent in one door and all of the wheeltrims missing.’
However, Mann was quick to add that this is just one element in a three pronged approached to restore Peugeot to its former glory. ‘Along with the small car strategy, we also have a new, large car policy based around a substantial saloon model that almost no one outside of the French government will buy. It is being developed as we speak under the codename Projet Dépréciation.’
The final part of Peugeot’s recovery plan is perhaps the most surprising and revolves around a hot hatch revival; ‘Instead of always trying to come up with a true successor to the 205 GTI we are simply going to start making the 205 GTI again,’ Mann revealed. ‘It will be a limited production car and will be sold only to motoring journalists who, in return, will have to sign a legally binding contract promising to fucking well shut up about the 205 GTI.’