Motorsport News

Toto Wolff suddenly realises he has ‘a totally kickass name’

Article image
Toto Wolff before he went bonkers mental, yesterday

There was a commotion at Mercedes F1 headquarters this week with news that team executive director Toto Wolff has finally realised he has ‘a totally kickass name.’

‘Oh my God, I had never noticed before,’ Wolff is said to have shouted in his weird Terminator voice. ‘My name is, like, totally kickass. This is so cool. Get out of my way, I need to start roaming the city solving crimes. Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’

Sources in Brackley say that, following his nominal revelation, the probably-deranged Austrian boss has started wearing a cape, humming his own ‘theme tune’ and shouting ‘super awesome!’ before smashing through a series of specially prepared plasterboard walls with his arms, legs and face.

‘We’re doing our best to ignore the whole thing but it’s getting pretty disruptive,’ admitted a team insider. ‘For example, if you don’t refer to his office as ‘The Citadel of Excellence’ he threatens to throw an actual wolf at you.’

In a troubling development, Merc F1 spies say Wolff has now commandeered a white board in the main engineering office to draw up an ‘action list’ of the following aspirations; ‘solve mysteries’, ‘record soft rock album’, ‘destroy BrawnMan’.