The Lotus Renault Hashtag F1 team is in crisis this week after realising it’s about the lose the only likeable thing about it.
‘We’ve been getting on people’s tits for a while now,’ admitted one insider. ‘Grosjean is a fucking liability, the car is an insulting JPS pastiche plastered with adverts for shit shampoo, and our presence on Twitter is like having hashtag-shaped dogshit pushed into your eyes by a mentally impaired monkey. Really, Kimi is the only reason any sane human being could like us and now he’s off. We’re screwed.’
At a top secret meeting last week, the team’s management met to discuss the crisis and, according to our insider, the result is an emergency strategy designed to make F1’s least likeable team more appealing to fans once Raikkonen leaves.
‘Our first idea is to ask Romain to be more like Kimi. That is to say, monosyllabic and better at driving,’ revealed our mole. ‘Our second idea is to get Eric Boullier to be more like Stefano Domenicali by constantly hanging around TV crews in the pit lane and appearing on their broadcasts being chummy. All he needs to do is change his glasses. And personality.’
Worringly, our insider warns of dire consequences if they fail in their plan to make Lotus likeable once the only likeable thing about them has left. ‘Sadly, if this doesn’t work out next year we’ll have to go to Plan B,’ he admitted. ‘That’s right, more hashtags.’