Iberian peninsular idiot Wurke Esperiense dispenses useless information about this weekend’s race
The Yas Marina should not be confused with the Marina Yas, a limited edition Morris from the late 1970s which featured vinyl seats and a velour roof.
Abu Dhabi is so arid that for the entire weekend Lotus boss Eric Boullier must be regularly basted with a thin, garlicky butter or he will dry out.
The Abu Dhabi track is very kind to tyres. Last year it bought them a cheap gold necklace and showed them around the spice quarter.
Where F1’s other Middle Eastern venue, Bahrain, attracts controversy, Abu Dhabi raises no such concerns because it only represses women and tortures prisoners a little bit.
Yas Marina’s distinctive bright blue run-off areas were an accident that occurred because the Arabic word for ‘run-off area’ is very similar to the Arabic word for ‘sodding horrible florescent shit’.
Abu Dhabi does not permit Champagne on the podium. As a result, Kimi Raikkonen has described his 2012 victory there as ‘pointless’.