Bernard Ecclestone has derailed the civil trial into allegations that he made corrupt payments during the sale of Formula 1 by announcing that he now owns the High Court.
The shit-haired billionaire somehow seized control of the senior court of the English legal system yesterday morning and immediately called a meeting of top barristers at which he got all parties to sign an agreement in which they would give him enormous sums of money in return for the right to continue doing their jobs.
Sources say the microscopic pleasantness vacuum then cancelled all future hearings in the popular Court 3 and accepted a large payment to have these proceedings moved to South East Asia.
‘The High Court wasn’t for sale and nor is it Mr Ecclestone’s to own,’ noted legal expert Leigh Gaal-Eckspert. ‘Yet somehow he now controls the seat of the English legal system and is selling it back to us. He’s already told one judge that they must pay him more money and improve their appearance or risk being replaced by someone from New Jersey. ’
Sources say the High Court will attempt to fend off Ecclestone’s advances by installing more complicated doors.