Following news that Kimi Raikkonen is to miss the last two races of the Formula 1 season due to ‘back problems’, several other drivers have revealed that they too will be sitting out the remainder of the year.
First to drop out were Ferrari drivers Fernando Alonso, who gave the excuse that his back was ‘still a bit hurty’, and Felipe Massa, who claimed that after signing for Williams he had accidentally ‘thrown away’ all his Ferrari overalls.
Not to be outdone, Lewis Hamilton announced he was missing the last two races on account of having ‘no one to look after the dog’ whilst team mate Nico Rosberg said he mistakenly thought Abu Dhabi was the last race of the year and had ‘booked a two week non-refundable holiday at Center Parcs’.
Other absentees will include Pastor Maldonado, who claimed his seat had got jammed too far toward after the team adjusted it ‘to let Massa have a go’ and Sergio Perez who will be unable to drive on account of ‘crying too much’.
Meanwhile, over at Red Bull Mark Webber will not complete the season because he ‘just can’t be fucking arsed’.
In total, 20 of the current 22 drivers have elected not to compete in the final two races. As a result, the only entries in this weekend’s US GP will be Sebastian Vettel, who will win as usual, and Marussia’s Max Chilton, who will somehow finish 19th.