Sniff Petrol has exclusively gleaned further details about the controversial points system changes for the 2014 F1 season and the alterations are more complicated than first expected.
Alongside the already contentious decision to award double points at the last race, an FIA source confirmed that the new scoring system will award half points at the first race, one third points at the third race and ‘some old shit Bernie’s made up in desperation’ at other races during the season.
Although exact details have yet to be released, it’s believed that at the Monaco GP all points will have a zero added to the end to reflect what happens to bar prices when the F1 fans arrive in town, at the US race there will be a ‘wall of points’ and the top three will score according to which number they can hit with their podium Champagne corks, while for the Spanish Grand Prix all available points will be awarded directly to any TV viewers who can stay awake to the end.
Finally, at the new Russian Grand Prix the top ten drivers will be awarded the same number of points as their newly chosen racing numbers. ‘Awww, shit,’ said Daniel Ricciardo. ‘What!?’ shouted Adrian Sutil. ‘Oh, I see. Great!’ he added, slowly putting down the glass.
The new points system is now certain following this week’s meeting of team bosses at which everyone was shown a picture of some money and told to keep their fucking mouths shut. Probably.