New PSA boss has plan

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Tavares, yesterday

New PSA CEO Carlos Tavares has announced his plan to make Peugeot and Citroen profitable again by ‘not being shit’.

Tavares, who used to play up front for Manchester City, has set out a long term vision for both companies which encompasses plans to stop offering shit in Europe, to sell more cars in China that aren’t shit, and to expand into other developing markets where customers expect cars not to be shit.

Tavares, who used to be a five piece funk and soul ensemble, is said to have started his new role by conducting a thorough analysis of PSA’s development processes, supply chain, production methods and factory portfolio before concluding that in fact the issue is making too many cars that are shit.

Tavares, who used to be a city in central Florida, has now instructed designers, engineers and marketing staff throughout PSA to ‘stop making shit’ though privately he has warned it may take several years to fully bring PSA back to health by also phasing out all cars that are toss, wank and bollocks.