Britain’s first motorway crack den opens

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The new Cherwell Valley crack den, yesterday

There was outrage amongst road safety groups and local residents today as Cherwell Valley services opened the doors to Britain’s first motorway crack den.

‘This new facility will bring a number of benefits to our customers,’ said a service station spokesman. ‘For drivers, it will provide a filthy and dangerous environment in which to relax. For anxious fathers in gritty crime dramas it will provide a place in which to search frantically for their missing wayward daughters. And of course for car and coach passengers on long journeys it will offer the chance to get proper mashed off their faces on crack.’

However, safety campaigners were quick to seize upon the potential downsides of the new facility. ‘This is a lethal idea,’ said Roger Daly-Mayal, spokesman for road safety group STOP! ‘For example, where once upon a time long distance lorry drivers would use services simply to get a fry up and have a slow, sinister shave whilst wearing a vest in the lavatories, now they will be pulling in to get grunted off their swede on crack.’

People living near Cherwell Valley are equally concerned by the new opening, according to chairperson of the local residents’ group, Janet Dayley-Eckspress. ‘This is a disgusting idea,’ she said. ‘Only last week my 90 year old mother was on an organised coach trip to London to harrumph at some immigrants. Imagine if her party had stopped at a service area with a crack den. They would have arrived in London completely bizzed off their tits on crack.’

‘Still, it could be worse,’ Mrs Dayley-Eckspress added. ‘At least it’s only a crack den and not a Wetherspoon’s pub.’