Alfa promises eight new disappointments

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Some previous disappointments, yesterday

Alfa Romeo used yesterday’s Fiat Chrysler investor relations event to announce this week’s recovery plan, based around no fewer than eight brand new disappointments.

‘Alfa Romeo has many core values, but none is greater than crushing and endlessly frustrating disappointment,’ said company spokesman Paulo Depreciazione. ‘That’s why we are announcing eight brilliant sounding product launches. You will have to wait until between 2015 and 2018 to slowly discover the ways in which they actually fall short of what you would hope.’

‘Previously we described models like the Brera and 159 as the soul of Alfa,’ Depreciazione continued. ‘Now we are, how you say, taking a massive shit on anyone who bought one by admitting that we were lying. If you want the real heart of Alfa, just wait for our new models. You won’t be disappointed. Except, of course, you will.’

Exact details of the new strategy are to be confirmed but Alfa has admitted it is based around two key elements: A flexible rear-wheel-drive platform and a series of extravagant claims about power outputs and sales figures that are so transparently made up they might as well be printed on an actual pile of horseshit.

The FCA investor conference also showcased Fiat Chrysler’s plan to bring prosperity to the wider group through a strategy of publishing an infinite series of pointless graphs and charts.