‘Allo my friends. I am, ‘ow you say, a piece of dirt.
Every year ze Grand Prix, she come to my ‘ome of Monaco. When this ‘appen, me and ze other dirt and stains ‘ave a competition to see who can make ze biggest mess on the clothing of ze Euro Trash and new money wankeurs zat fill up ze ‘arbour.
Well zis year, ze competition was not going so well for me. I was behind my friend Nico Sick Stain who ‘ad already managed to land on one of Eddie Jordan’s shirts. Although of course no one ‘ad actually noticed this.
Ze race was already in progress and I was going to lose ze dirt and staining competition. At zis rate, Daniel Seagull Shit was going to beat me also. Zut alors! I ‘ad already told everyone I was going to be ze best but now I was not. ‘Ow to cover up zis embarrassment? Then it struck me! I told my friends I got trapped inside ze ‘elmet of Lewis Hamilton! It was ze perfect lie! And if anyone said to me, but wait, ze crash ‘elmet, she is basically sealed, ‘ow could you possibly get inside? I simply say I don’ wanna talk about it.
My excuse, she work perfectly! And then, when ze race end, I pretend to come free from ze ‘elmet and attach myself to Princess Charlene’s dress while she is distracted trying to chew through her shackles, again. Très bon!
I love ze Formula 1. Ze other dirt and I, we dream zat one day we will be like Bernie Ecclestone. Now ‘e really is a piece of dirt.