After a failed attempt to make the cars louder and a bizarre experiment with artificially creating sparks, Formula 1 has announced a new, more radical plan to recapture the world’s imagination – making all the drivers look like Nigel Mansell.
‘Our investigations shows that viewers fondly remember all aspects of Formula 1 from the 1980s,’ explains F1 spokesman Wellcock Boam. ‘We’ve already brought back turbos, we’ve tried to recreate the sparks, the next logical step is to make all the drivers look like one of the most iconic men from that era.’
Mr Boam says that Mansell was chosen as the benchmark for how all drivers will look as a result of extensive market research. ‘Nigel polls well in the UK because he’s British and very well in Italy because he drove for Ferrari and looks a bit like a Super Mario Brother,’ he explains. ‘He also does well in Germany because he has a moustache, in the USA because he won Indycar and he has a moustache, and in many Latin nations because of his habit of making a total fuss about minor issues. And because he has a moustache.’
However, making each driver of today cultivate an enormous moustache and eyebrows like two hairy slugs trying to escape from his face isn’t the end of F1’s bizarre Mansellian plan. ‘To complete the experience, during every race one driver at random will have their rear tyre explode,’ Mr Boam explained. ‘We will also ask that in all interviews and press conferences they endlessly moan about things in a dull monotone which, fortunately, most of them already do.’
‘We believe making all the drivers look like Nigel Mansell will bring viewers flocking back to F1,’ Mr Boam concluded. ‘It’s certainly more practical than that other suggestion to stop dicking about with desperate artificial measures and just limit downforce, ban electronics and let the drivers drive. I mean, how ridiculous… oh.’