Sniff Petrol is delighted to welcome American car writer COLBY DOUSCHE with his unique take on the US car marketFull disclosure – No pony ass auto maker paid me to write this.
So I’m on the event for some lame ass grocery getter and I’m looking at all the fat ass buff book bitches sucking at the corporate cock like a strawpenny whore working my dick behind Denny’s and I’m thinking, how did I get here?
Full disclosure – I ate one shrimp, pounded six beers and watched some porn in my room.
So next morning we’re given the keys and some Poindexter PR loser is all like, take it easy guys, no rubbin’ and no racin’. Man, every other Jello ass auto writer in the room was nodding like a silicone bitch in a trailer park titty bar on the day yours truly walked in to make it rain. FYI, this is the same public relations wuss who once had the titanium coconuts to ask why I was wearing a race suit at breakfast. Because Dousche, dipshit.
Full disclosure – They were Nomex pajamas.
So we’re out on the road and, as usual, yours truly has blown off the magazine morons and is riding a cappella. If I wanted to cozy up to some a fat old bitch I’d book a weekend in Florida and a fuck ton of lube. Am I the only guy on the event who bitch slapped the key guy ‘til he hooked me up with a stick shift? Hells yea. Is the motor screaming like your mom the day I swung by to fix her screen door? Damn straight. Am I nailing it like the 10 dollar Utah hooker my dad bought me for my 21st birthday? Fuck yes, and without crying this time.
Full disclosure – I live with my parents.
So this ride is fine if you like low cube crapola. Which I don’t cuz last time I checked I have one driver’s license and two big hairy balls. Thing is, there’s a problem here and I’m not talking about how fast I wore those skinny ass tires down to the bitch strips. See, if you’re the kind of beret wearing, tea drinking homo who lives in Europe you can buy this car as a diesel wagon with a stick. But in their ‘wisdom’, yet another cocktard auto maker has decided the sweetest piece of hardware this side of the Edwards AFB black hangar won’t be sold in the United States of fuckin’ A. Should they import it? Did I outdrive every over-stuffed golfing slacks shill on the event to the power of hells yea? Would a diesel wagon with a stick be what every so-called American consumer actually needs? Do I own over three guitars and spank them like my own dick every time I think about how fucking great I am? The answer is, fuck you mom, I was washing it.
Full disclosure – I’m awesome.
Colby Dousche is Awesomness Editor at fuckingcars.com