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Wolff is cyborg from future

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The Toto-1000, yesterday
The Toto-1000, yesterday

On the eve of British Grand Prix weekend, Mercedes has finally admitted that Toto Wolff is a cyborg sent back from the future to ensure the team’s success.

Inside sources revealed that the TOTO-1000’s mission is to hunt and take down anything that is a threat to Mercedes’ ability to win, such as the Renault F1-2014 engine, the McLaren MP4-29 and Stefano Domenicali’s career.

‘Yea man, this is totally frickin’ amazing,’ said Mercedes driver Lewis Hamilton. ‘I did wonder what was, like, going down when I saw him swapping his face in the gents, and this one time in the office when Niki had a drill to his head, but it’s all wicked man, yea, wikiwikiwahwah etcetera. Word.’

‘This is not a total surprise,’ added team mate Nico Rosberg, speaking in a separate room and city. ‘I had often thought he was unusually chatty and friendly. Now I know he is a merciless robot from the future rather than an Austrian, this makes total sense.’

Sources say the TOTO-1000’s ultimate goal is to destroy Adrian Newey’s career at Red Bull although it now appears he has been beaten to this job by Adrian Newey.

With thanks to Miles Cook