New XC90 to boast increase in things

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A bit of a Volvo, yesterday
A bit of a Volvo, yesterday

Volvo announced today that its forthcoming new Volvo XC90 will offer a remarkable 34 percent increase in Uggbootitude allied to a staggering 56 percent rise in Birkenstockosity.

The Swedish company says the interior has been completely redesigned to look 12 percent more tasteful when occupied by people wearing Boden clothes and that, compared to the outgoing model, the rear seats can now accommodate almost twice as much precociousness from well-spoken children.

Up front, the sat-nav is now capable of taking the car directly to the nearest farmer’s market whilst the voice recognition system now speaks directly to the driver with a personalisation option that can pronounce a wide range of names including Arabella, Annabella and Isabella.

The new XC90 has been tested in all conditions ranging from the car park of Waitrose to Charlbury high street and then back to the car park of Waitrose because Marcus had forgotten to buy bloody langoustines again. Volvo adds that a brand new, state-of-the-art chassis will make gravel sound ‘extra crunchy’.

The new XC90 will be officially revealed at the end of the summer, just after you get back from Luberon but before Charlie leaves for his gap year.