There will be celebrations in the East Westerchester town of Cheese-on-Towst this weekend as townsfolk gather to celebrate the fifth anniversary of local man Div Belming failing to paint the front bumper of his modified Citroen Saxo.
‘I remember the day Div first put that bumper onto his car,’ recalls the town’s mayor, Lumdy Swike. ‘We all thought it was marvelous that he had decided to significantly lower the ground clearance on his car so that it made a scraping noise over the speed bumps outside the post office and we couldn’t wait to see what it looked like when it matched the rest of the car rather than being an unappealing off-yellow undercoaty colour. Though of course, that day has yet to come.’
‘Oh yes, I’ll be there for the unpainted bumper celebrations,’ said lifelong town resident, 87-year-old Edna Crettle. ‘He’s quite the local character is young Div, whether leaning forward with an arm over the wheel like an unintelligent monkey as he drives at 58mph past the junior school or slouching back in his normal backrest position so his head is visible only through the rear side window as he smokes a joint in the car park of the McDonald’s on the ring road. Oh yes, everyone in town knows Div and wonders when the bloody hell he’s going to paint the front bumper on his car.’
‘I’ve put a bet on at the local bookie that it’ll be this weekend Div will finally paint that front bumper,’ admitted another local man, Knet Stave. ‘I mean, he’s had five years and, what with living at home and getting paid cash in hand to help the local plasterer, what else has he got to spend his money on apart from trackie bottoms, cheap fags, hair gel, WKD, meow meow, weed, computer games and that bored-looking blonde girl who sometimes sits in his passenger seat?’