Pushing dimes up my dick

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US auto writer COLBY DOUSCHE returns with his unique take on cars

ColbyDouscheSo I’m sitting at home last week when I get a call from my buddy Todd. You’d like Todd. He’s literally the best goddam drummer I’ve ever seen. This dude can drum Moon, Bonham and Copeland under the table and still find time to be assistant manager of a big ass Taco Bell. Problem is, Todd knows jack about cars. So he calls my cell and he’s all like, Hey Dousche, I’m gonna buy a new car. And I’m like, dude, you need me with you. And he’s like, I just called for advice, there’s no need for you to come with. And I’m like, dude, I’m coming along. You think I’d rather sit at home pushing dimes up my dick?

Full disclosure – I only tried that once.

So we’re in my Sentra – aka The Beast – and Todd’s all like, this is what I got to spend and I just want a neat car that doesn’t use much gas and shit. I’m like, shut the fuck up, I’m the fucking auto writer here and I know exactly what you need. Two words: Cor Vette. And Todd’s all like, see this is why Corey says you’re a dick and wouldn’t let you join the band even after the old guitarist died. So I’m like, fine. What you need is a fucking Fiesta ‘cos it’s got a fucking awesome stick shift and a sweet ass chassis. I’m like, seriously dude, I took a Fiesta to Willow this one time and I totally nailed it past, like, 50 dudes in Ferraris and Lamborghinis and shit. Sure, that was mainly cuz I know how to fucking drive and I’m not some lard ass, buff book, corporate cock licker but anyways, the Fiesta rocked at the Big W.

Full disclosure – My therapist says some of this stuff is only happening in my mind.

Anyways, Todd’s all like, fuck the Fiesta man, I’m just gonna buy another Corolla cuz it’s cheap and it doesn’t use a lot of gas. But then he’s all like, it’s a good car, right? I’m doing the right thing, yea? And I’m like, hey, what do you want from me here? Do I look like Consumer fucking Reports?

Full disclosure – No. I’ve heard it say I look like Jack White but heavier or Jack Black but muskier.

So to stop his bitchass whining, and also because Shanice told him to be back at work by 2pm, we go to the Toyota dealership and I tell him no messing, let me handle this. So straightaways I ask to see the manager. The way I see it, you gotta let ‘em know a big dog is in the house. So the junior receptiobitch goes away and out comes this fucking shinybutt suit rack of a manager. Now this dude looks kinda familiar. And he’s all like, hey, weren’t we at high school together and weren’t you the guy who didn’t go to prom but sat outside in his car all night crying and masturbating?

Full disclosure – Fuck you, that was 20 years ago.

So we sit down with this assrag and straight away he’s talking greenbacks like a two bit hooker in a Reno restroom. I’m like, chill out man. Cut the shit and just give us the deets on your sweetest deal. And I can tell I got him on the ropes cuz he’s all like, ‘Sir, would you please allow me to speak with my customer’ and then Todd’s all like, ‘This is why I never call you’ and I’m like, shut the fuck up man, who’s the bitch here?

Full disclosure – It’s not me Uncle Jim, not anymore. Not anymore.

So the chief salesdick says he can get Todd in a ’14 Corolla for blah blah blah and Todd’s like, can you do any better and the guy’s like, if you take the car right now I can fix you up for blah and Todd’s like cool and he took the car right there. True story.

Full disclosure – Toyota did not pay me to tell you this and their PR lady has asked me to stop calling.

Colby Dousche is Awesomeness Editor at