Jaguar has released surprising new details of its forthcoming XE saloon which suggest that the vital new saloon will be more retro than expected.
‘The rakish, modern look of the XF and XJ is all well and good but what’s wrong with a lovely fluted bonnet and nice quartet of slightly awkward, not quite round headlights,’ a high ranking source said. ‘Likewise, it’s perfectly fine to trim the interior in modern materials like carbon fibre and aluminium but really, you can’t beat a lovely slab of wood and some old switches from a Ford Scorpio.’
The new car’s underpinnings won’t be quite as modern as some were expecting either. ‘We looked at engineering a brand new, all-aluminium platform but frankly it all sounded too complicated,’ our insider revealed. ‘So we’re just going to use the existing, well-proven mechanicals from another car. I can’t say too much but it rhymes with ‘Mord Fondeo’.’
‘We think this will work well,’ our informant insisted. ‘I mean, a car company can bang on about chasing dynamic, youthful customers but what about 74-year-old retired loss adjusters from Kettering? They might like a Jaguar too, especially if it has lots of chrome trim and a lovely wireless.’
Finally, our mole admits that the XE name did not research well and is to be scrapped. ‘People liked the X,’ he admitted. ‘But the E didn’t go down well so we’re replacing that with something else. We think ‘-type’ has a ring to it. Why are you sniggering?’
