Scientists from Cambridge University reached a landmark in artificial intelligence this week as they announced a prototype computer that can accurately recreate talking utter bollocks, dubbed The Jordantron.
‘The Jordantron is the result of years of research into blarneying bullshit,’ said head of the project Professor Bispy Kelb. ‘The machine can engage in genuinely lifelike interaction with a person, by which I mean loosely listen to their opening remark and then immediately steamroller over anything they say with their own opinions.’
Prof. Kelb explains that The Jordantron works by recording anything that is said to it, carefully analysing this data and then immediately disregarding it in order to start speaking at great speed about whatever it fancies. The scientists behind the experimental device say they are particularly proud of the way the machine takes just a few milliseconds to steer any subject round to talking about itself.
‘In the world of artificial intelligence this is a really significant landmark and also quite an annoying one,’ Prof. Kelb noted. ‘The only problem is, now we’ve started it talking bollocks we have no idea how to make it stop. Does anyone have a number for Suzi Perry?’