From the archives

New retro option packs for Mini

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A Mini, yesterday
A Mini, yesterday

Buoyed by the success of the new Mini, BMW is to release new option packs to capitalise on the car’s retro design. The new packs will compliment the existing Salt, Chili and Pepper trims, but are designed to capture the appeal of the old Mini.

First up, the Soy Sauce package includes a unique engine management programme which will allow the car to piss oil all over your drive. State-of-the-art multiplex wiring has also allowed engineers to create deliberate ‘bugs’ in the car’s electrics, causing phantom operation of the lights, wipers and de-misting fan whilst permitting them to ‘pack up’ when a sensor detects bad weather.

A second complimentary pack, dubbed Balsamic Vinegar, comes with a feature linked to the rain sensing wipers which allows water to leak into the car when it rains. Thanks to lightweight valve technology, the water leak can be switched between ten different locations, making it utterly impossible to trace. Ever. Balsamic Vinegar equipped cars will also come with small pieces of loose metal inside randomly chosen body cavities, creating a series of irritating and ever lasting rattles which nothing short of dismantling the entire car will cure.

Continuing the old-skool theme, dealers will now offer a new deal to compliment the revolutionary TLC servicing scheme. For an extra £100 customers can chose the PITA (Pain In The Arse) option which will attempt to replicate the elusive 1970s BL dealer experience. Your car’s service will be done in a really half baked way and your Mini will be returned scratched, dirty and smelling of spaniels. Some lucky customers may even find that their car has been lent to a 17-year-old apprentice who has had sex in the back seat and then crashed it into some sort of tree.

This story was originally published in December 2001