From the archives

Longbridge redevelopment plans revealed

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How one of the rides might look in the future, yesterday
How one of the rides might look in the future, yesterday

As MG Rover’s new owners continue to stuff as many things as they can into their trousers and then sneak back to China, Sniff Petrol has unearthed a remarkable plan to rejuvenate the Longbridge area with an innovative amusement park. To be called British LeyLand, the new park will be sited on part of the former Longbridge factory and will offer a range of unique rides and attractions themed around the history of the local motor industry.

“This really will be a unique entertainment experience,” said a spokesman for the park’s developers. “It will be focussed very much around kids which is why one of our slogans will be ‘Make your daughter feel like a Princess’. In other words, flaky, slow and inclined to poke her arse in the air when parked on a hill”.

Spies tell us that specific British LeyLand attractions will include the dangerously understeering Marina Rollercoaster, the terrifyingly rusty Austin 1100 Pedalos and an amusement arcade featuring the ever-popular Michael Edwards’ Break The Strike game. Parents won’t be forgotten either, with a unique MG Rover relaxation tent in which Peter Stevens and his team will attempt to give you a facelift for £3.50.

“We really are promising a Maxi-mum experience,” said a spokesman. “By which I mean the park will be spacious, ugly and impossible to get into reverse.”

British LeyLand is expected to open around the same time that car production resumes at Longbridge. So basically, never.

This story was originally published in September 2005